Dark thoughts - I should have followed through

I was suicidal when I was a teen, and it's fear of punishment that prevented me. Being an atheist now I have better reasons for living. But if I knew what I know now before I formed the connections and relationships that would torment me if anything happened to them - before I met all these people who would change my life I wish I ended it before I met them.

Now overburdened with debt and a failing family business and the inability to make a living outside my family business I contemplate it again.

My daughter would be too young to remember me and my son too immature to form the bonding that would shape him - I think sometimes the terrible agony of death would be a small price to pay to exit this game where I know and certain that I will perpetuate the lie of my parents.

My wife should really have someone who is more financially and professionally capable. Not someone who is entrapped.

I am in the end another dependent of my parents and obligated to pursue their economic goals.

If sadness can just cause me to stop existing this pain would have some purpose.

I may love my family, but that is not a reason to exist when all I see in the mirror is someone who cannot sustain my family.

Knowing my parents this calculated end would just cut out the middle man - myself - and just support my family directly.

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