I've already failed - sadness to end my panic attacks

 I noticed that I have little panic attacks at night. That every little thing distracts me: I have to pee, I have to drink, I have to have the fan pointed just right, my head has to be of an angle so I don't trigger my sinuses clogging up. Which it does every night. 

So last night I tried something different - I just accepted I've failed and that this is just the slow descent to tragedy. That all that I love is with me and that what moments we have right now is the best moments we will ever have. 

I decided to end the fear by accepting the Failure. I was in college for far too long of 7 years (I still have nightmares where I'm still studying). I repeated grade 2. I didn't have good grades, and everything I had was from the chance of being born with parents who could afford to pave over my failures. To know that I've failed long before this one, and that my wife and family will there for me despite all my failures helps put to perspective what I have and what I'm losing. 

Sadness is such vilified and avoided emotion. So much has been to pursue happiness and the pleasure from the happiness that I realize that its a hedonic treadmill. That sadness is a moderating force that amplifies our gratitude, intensifies our love, and brings what remains closer. Sadness is sustainable - its the time we accept what we have to live without. 

What I have, what remains, and the temporariness of everyone and everything I care about is what will tell the fear to let go. I've already lost, let me breathe so I can be there in the time that remains. 

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