Not enough sleep - my personality change

Last night, 2-3am I had to take a second anti-histamine to go to sleep because I couldn't breathe through my nose again. I had a battery of saline cleansing before bed (at around 12) and still my allergies acted up. I was up late because we were working on a, hopefuly finishable drivethrurpg project. 

Anyway I feel like a really different person when I do. More fear, sadness, and anger. Anything sets me off. When I have so many feelings at the same time I cannot channel an emotion to a particular course of action. I'm paralyzed with indecision and distraction. 

This is me most of my life prior to turning 25 when I could really feel the change in my self control and emotion regulation being better. Everytime my son can't control himself - when he would shout, or lose his temper I see so much of my neuroticism in him.

No matter how much mindfulness and coping techniques I have, when you peel it all away - I have more stresses as people with higher Adverse Childhood Experiences even if I had a pretty normal and sheltered childhood. My behavioral profile and my probably my son are people with very poor inherent emotional regulation. Wealth, allowed me and people like me to reach a level of calm and peace to be contributing to society. My difference with someone who had more ACEs. 

Once the stress response becomes hypersensitive it cannot be changed (Lecture 10: the development of EQ, boosting emotional intelligence). I am reminded of this lecture and play it back as I write this. I hate this feeling and I can't go back to sleep. 

I feel like my day today is ruined because I will spend the rest of the day managing my emotions and mood even more than previous days and I am more distracted. This depresses me and the cycle repeats and spirals downward. 


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