So I realized the following:
- The self-hate, negative emotions, that fuels me to improve: exercise, study, meditate, be a good dad, etc.. is tied to negative emotions that make these activities difficult. There is anxious anticipation and dread when performing these actions that there should not be.
- That the feeling when we do good or virtuous actions is not pleasure or the negative state. Its the same feeling we have with love, attraction, and flow. Its not like a sweet or pleasurable drink, its like water we reach for when we are thirsty or the breath we use to sustain life - its a non-feeling that can be examined the way we examine our breath, drinking water, walking or a human function.
- Knowing the negative emotions and the Ideal allows me to tell a story of how I probably will get from my current state and the next state. The story - will reflect my maturity in being able to accept the compromises, delays, and mistakes I will make in the journey.
- That this transition and change happens despite overwhelming voices and feelings of shame, guilt, and negative emotion that I used when I was less mature to do what I needed doing. That change can happen even when there is overwhelming hate, fear, control, manipulation, etc... Its just that it takes time and we all may not be so lucky to be there when change does come.
- That its a strange thing to Affirm and Acknowledge one is wrong, mistaken, and can do better, and can learn. that simple change of mind creates a new reality where the person goes on a journey of change. That we - who believe that we need to change and act on what opportunities arise to change are in a path that we dont know what we will see when our turn ends. Still the journey is worthwhile.
- That the more primal emotions and the negative thoughts that harm us is powerful and can awe us. The kind voice or thought that will help us change is so tiny, so quiet, so difficult to hear - but its there and knowing its there creates that irrational urge to look for it despite all the overwhelming worry and difficulty.
Its not that I have to change, its that I'm changing and I have no control if life says i'm done.
3rd day meditating yesterday. Hope to try for a 4th day today. its just 10 minutes of listening to nature sounds and resisting my fears to take notes, distract myself, plan, and seek pleasure. I try to focus on breathing and being alert and just aware.
With Mindfulness, meditation, and CBT we heal and recover. When we have surplus, we take the gambit with Charity, Generosity, and Pushing for Positive Change. We try not to require reciprocation and use the Mindfulness to act on good without need for reward or reciprocation. of course we get tired and we accumulate loss of hope and we get fears and sadness. We begin the cycle again and recover, and then try again.