So I tried counting my breaths before I get distracted. When I started I got to 24 before I got distracted. When I found myself distracted I started again. Probably in a 15 min meditation, I got distracted 10+ times. Also I typically got to 8-12 breaths before I got distracted and my mind wandered.
I also realized that when my mind wandered it was like all of a sudden I'm distracted. The loss of control or volition that happens when I get distracted hurts deeply in the feels. I'm like "What the F*Cks happening!?" It's like being Teleported to someplace and forgetting everything I was doing, then Remembering and realized that I got distracted.
I can't remember that Professor Ron Seigel or was it Jason Satterfield mentioned this or was it a false memory.
I have to ACCEPT my flaws and this flaw is quite disturbing. It makes sense that my entire workflow is really mean distracted so often and trying to get back to what I was supposed to be doing.
Acknowledging a problem is the first step of figuring out a way to cope with it.
During my meditations, which is just 15 minutes, really "important thoughts" come that overwhelm me and make me want to excuse myself from meditating and do something related to the urgency. I push it aside and after the Meditation, I FORGET these "Important" things and when I check my notes and logs at work, I can't find these "Important" things in an objective evidence-based way. I still have that fear something important needs to be done.
Did my brain learn to create these "false urgency" to escape change and accepting sadness or truth that comes with change or any negative emotion?
Is the conditioning of meditation trying to teach my brain/amygdala to differentiate these false urgencies? Am I stepping on a nerve? Is my brain seeing fear and harm out of a conditioned response to it, even if it doesn't exist. is it like some frightened animal that thrashes around hurting itself seeing shadows?
I don't mind the journey of a lifetime - I'm curious about the stories of how these came to be and how this story will play out.