Meditation Update: I forgot again

I completely forgot what I was going to write about. I remembered it in the shower, but I just forgot it. 

As I've mentioned before, my attention span is about 0.5 to 1 minute long. During this meditation, I've gotten distracted a lot. I have a notebook in my hands and keeping saline solution nearby because it's hard to meditate when I was distracted, trying to fight back the fear of suffocating instead of just breathing. 

The exercise was lousy today. I couldn't run for 5 minutes at 10kph purely nasal breathing. I had a bit of a panic attack because of how repetitive my exercise and that I need more variety.

 Again that feeling that I forgot something "super" important. My fears go back to grade school and college where I fucked up and forgot to do something.  It makes so much sense when I see my son and I see myself and know his attention span is too short. His attention span is like mine. Even as an adult I cannot think about something without getting distracted in a few seconds. No wonder I can only function in Gaming. Only the feedback of a game will keep me remembering what I'm supposed to working towards. 

Feedback, near-continuous feedback. That's why I'm so reliant on conditioned responses and drilling and my studies. 

I'm just lucky my parents were rich otherwise, society would have discarded me. I wish for a society that didn't discard people like me if we were not born lucky. 

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