Meditation Update: That was painful today

Nov 21's Meditation was painful. 

What I did was I tried to keep my breath counting even when I was distracted. Normally I would reset back with little distractions. I Tried just to keep breathing and getting to focus back again on the same count. But it was painful because as pressure built up as I got to 20s and 30s some drama would bubble up and derail me at 40s to 60s. I would physically shrug and sigh from the mental anguish. 

I'm doing this as an experiment and a new experience: trying to replicate the problems. X + Y = Z and testing what factors affect X and Y to result in Z. In my case the resetting/the losing count or losing track of the present. 

the behavior of Bad Attention

The more I think about my attention problem... 

what was I thinking about again? Oh yeah... 

damn, I will just have to settle with this nebulous feeling of having understood something only to forget it... 

what did I feel bad about again? 

lolz... 

no wonder I journal compulsively, game, and have ambiguous fears constantly. when working memory is short enough these problems manifest in this way. 

the ambiguous fears require constant support, reflection (journaling), note-taking, some cbt, and meditation - the way any exercise routine would have a variety of motions to make the whole better. 

Meditating is painful because the working memory problem prevents "being present" and fears bubble up to distract. The objective of meditation is a conditioned response to forgiving myself when I fail to grasp an idea. to reduce the unnecessary suffering caused by the nature of having a mind that resets or clears its cache very soon. 

like most Buddhist principles its to reduce suffering (reduce harm). the time in the day it takes for one to remember that forgetting or failing to notice details is not the end of the world. 

Which leads to the behavior of being detailed in communication compulsive in writing and planning.  

With low working memory, I can form complex ideas without drawing from emotions and deducing what is causing the emotions. I cannot remember enough detail to make an exact damning picture of what went wrong. 

Cant use Catholic cultural practices because of its Reliance on Guilt. To someone with terrible working memory, the guilt remains a nebulous feeling far removed from the cause. I can only use confrontational and conflict resolution methods. 

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