So my meditations were really bad these past few days. As I experience more meditation - I experience more of my distractions and when it takes a hold of me. It makes me feel bad and I spend a lot of time comforting myself that it's ok.
I've come to realize meditation for me is letting my distractions get control of me and being ok with that and working through that. It's working with one's flawed brain - its not enough to know I'm flawed but to see it up close and to see it in action.
I realize the Adventure time Song by Rebecca Sugar - Time Adventure has key concepts in mindfulness and meditation. It's still one of the Paradoxes I struggle with - "Being present" is a coping mechanism to try to stop fear and thoughts that prevent me from being able to accomplish the MUNDANE task of breathing. My brain wants to fill itself with all these thoughts even if its job is to just BREATHE.
The exercise of Mindfulness Meditation is to be PRESENT when the brain acts in ways contrary to my best interests. To Experience its "Betrayal" or more forgivingly - its behavior - is to confront it and deal with my flaws.
There is an unforgiving, harsh, absolutist, and uncompromising nature in me that prevents me from learning better coping mechanisms. I'm in the same room with this ME in meditation and I need to learn to live with that ME. 15 minutes in a day I will be with that me and he will thrash and struggle and he will fill me with so much fear and anxiety and I have to let it all go and remember to breathe.