attention or working memory.
1) If I had the power to tell my brain what to think at any given time, that would be ideal. But what really happens is that my string of consciousness is really its own mind - shaped by the circumstances and emotions that make certain actions preferable.
2) That certain things trigger all the emotions, knowing the work of tomorrow fills me with fear, doubt, and some uncertainty. That I can do certain things now. That so many different fears for each concern that has to be put in its time and place.
that these all have a time and place and there is a part of me that tries to order these thoughts. the part that tries to put order is all a contradiction of conscious, emotional, calculating, and subconscious (with its own reasons I cannot recall).
3) That when I write - I see my thought in action - and create a feedback loop that helps shape it. I am so much a jumble of emotions and thoughts that I cannot know what I'm thinking unless I give it a log, a record, to shape it.
All the above shows that I'm barely in control, and what control I have is an everyday miracle. A system where forces support each other to create a virtuous cycle that is brittle and fragile, BUT can be easily remade over and over again.
The pieces fit to its place so well, that embedded in it is how it can be put back.
I'm listening to too much Ursula Le Guin.