the Past and Changing my Mind.

 Looking at the past and being reminded of all the things I could have done better - but realizing I didnt have the skills nor the understanding to have made different decisions. To think its been 20+ years ago. 

Even if I were to go back in time - understanding the roots of the behavior would require a lot of study and effort. The technology that got me here was Text to Speech Readers and Pirated lectures and books - if that was available in the 90s - and an underdeveloped frontal cortex was the next problem - Mimicry by Apprenticeship would have been the solution - but who to apprentice under - myself in a time loop? lolz. 

I dont need to look at every possible event, I only look at the Bottleneck - the capacity to understand and empathize. Behavior changes - from the lectures I took last year finding its way into my habits and way of doing things this year. It took almost 1 year for Meditation to be a habit after the mindfulness lecture being finished. I needed to absorb the knowledge AND FIND a place for it in my daily life. 

Every bad thing I did is a reminder of my capacity to do ill. I dont need to be theoretical on ill, i just need to look at my past behavior. 

Its funny how slow my brain is. Right now I have anxiety shifting from the WRITER to the ARTIST and ART Director role. 

Meditation is being present. This includes letting the impulse flow - and take its action form. getting rid of the emotional backlog because it desires to emerge and released.  

Reflection is looking at the Past. 


every sophisticated discourse we have now about how better to behave and care for one another will be a more compact and effective memetic in the future. 

The way reciprocity, kindness, compassion, justice, rights, fairness, etc... were all VERY complicated Discourses in earlier times. 

read the Code of Hammurabi and its definition of RIGHTS, to earliest religious and Philosophical and Legal text and you see how it was SOOOO COMPLICATED it was back then, then read more recent ones from the Declaration of Independence and Self governance of the Philippines and other countries to the Civil Rights movement, Equality and Feminist movements - and you have sophisticated discourse - it will get easier - memetics will change definitions, language, and our ability to understand these things over time. 

Just because its Complicated doesn't mean we dont do it - Ask anyone with a complicated hobby or job. Anything Complicated or Sophisticated can be STRAW-maned and distorted to serve the ends of others. 

Heck the evolution of the ROMAN or Persian citizen as being a multi-ethnic people and the laws and forces that shaped these changes is another example of how complicated discourse became concepts we take for granted. 

its just funny and ironic - I just have to laugh at it - When I catch my own hypocrisy.


I want to change - to have less baggage and unnecessary suffering - I'm ok with sadness, disappointment, anger, disgust, frustration, and all the colors of emotional discomfort - I want to be ENGAGED in those emotions and where they will take me. 

There will be suffering, but only the necessary kind, but I know in the end of necessary suffering there is a change that happens to will make those I care about more secure, engaged, and have less unnecessary suffering as well. 

I want to know my flaws, I want to know my strengths, I want to know how I do harm, and I want to know a path where I will do less harm. 

Its ironic or funny that we have a lifetime of flaws - and only so much attention to be able to change and often "late" in life.


The paradox of Supernatural in a Setting - I was talking to Adrian and he was explaining slapped ham to me and I'm of the same scientific approach - what is observable is natural and thus what is supernatural when observed becomes part of natural. 

In a TRPG setting when Orcs are a Supernatural Evil - ok but its a TRPG orcs are part of the Natural order - and the natural is the supernatural - magic has laws and rules. If magic violates those laws and rules, then magic rules and laws exist it's just that we have not successfully understood it. 

If its in the realm of the Unknowable - then We venture into removing perfect information from the Players and the GM and their ability to know - and thus how do they know the Evil is Supernatural - but then We say with authority the GM has Perfect information. Tautological Argument happening - if We dont know then who can say with certainty - if We do know then there is order and knowable then why did you say X. 

No amount of mental agility and mastery of Philosophy can argue with an honest Choice - I want my races to have EVIL and i want that simplification. I want to enjoy heroes fighting Evil personified in this simplification. I'm allowed to do it. I do not want to know why its Bad or why its harmful. I'm not ready for that or my beliefs do not tie in that path. Let me enjoy my personification of evil in races, that SJWs are EVIL, and all the mode of thought I have learned and will maintain. 

but then I don't want to change and I really can't afford its cost is a better conversation to have. I'd rather have flaws out and discussed unless we feel that our flaws will be leverage for others to exploit us - and then I'd rather discuss why it's not safe to talk about our vulnerabilities instead. 

But to imagine someone with the mental agility who can plead reason and a strategy towards a desirable change. that the tradeoffs of the strategy outweigh our current circumstances. That as a rational and irrational actor one will prefer this change over their status quo. 

TRPGs is about imagination - I always kick myself when my imagination fails in seeing what can be done, what is possible and is likely, and what work and change and improvement entails. "Arent you a TRPGer? You should have a ton of imagination!" 

I just realize the Dichotomy of the Supernatural vs Natural is an Artifact when we all were raised Catholic and the Church tried to insert its legitimacy in light of the science we were learning "Nah the spirit is exempted, the bible is exempt in Scientific Inquiry. Nah it doesn't apply!" HILLARIOUS! I don't know if the faces of the teachers and priests who said that bullshit to you show up in your mind to spout that SAME bullshit and how much that doesn't make sense anymore. 

Imagine your KIDS being fed that same GARBAGE! lolz. 

See Philosophy of Science by the Great Courses Series by Jeffrey L. Kasser, Ph.D.


What Ursula Le Guin had ton say about CS Lewis supports my bias against him because CS Lewis is a favorite of Opus dei in the use of Power and Righteousness - channeling destruction to destroy those who do no agree or give their power to them.

To think of calm "civil" looking opus dei numerary may look very credible - the way someone looks credible until you learn they think you are less human than them.


I guess I have to always clarify tolerating the status quo with identifying what's wrong with it and what needs to be improved.

I realized the lowest common denominator - is kinda what got us here in this problem. Voting for particular people, failure to understand science, failing to account for the vulnerable, poor and marginalized.

Sure we always simplify - but people need to know that the simplification is just an invitation to  deeper understanding of the problem.

Arguments that support maintaining some beliefs that have been learned to be harmful because it's easier needs to be reflected on as "is this the same argument I use to avoid change?"

I am allowed to fail in trying to change for the better. I'm allowed to make mistakes as long as I learn from them and make amends.

Those who make the mistakes disproportionately costly from its impact are obstacles  of change - by making it to costly to change or creating a moving standard for change.

It's so interesting when those who pounce on mistakes use the language of Power - zero-sum - like they can extract maximum cost from the penitent. I'm looking out for this language and this framing.

Make it costly to change, give it moving goal posts, use the same language of zero sum power to marginalize the contrite.

The same torturous strategy that effects no change and worsening mental health.

I hope in the future bad and good things happen and the next generation can adapt better - they do not suppress they process emotion and facts and truths - and they act in their collective best interest.

They are as adept as we are in technology with frames of mind, personal narratives, the collective conscious streams, and deciding how to act in concert with others to create positive cycles and systems.

The pecking order, the crab mentality, the instincts to take and secure, to deny others, is replaced with a collective self preservation mindset that is able to flexibly come back to the individual level. Not this slow and lumbering attachment to zero sum power values.

That I know I'm old and obsolete when my kid can explain to me quite effectively why I did something wrong, inconsiderate, and harmful and their language is that of a generation who can take everyone with them in growth.

I'll be that old man that cannot process like the youth, and they will be patient with this artifact of a previous generation in a much healthier relationship than I had when I cannot communicate to the generation of my parents. Where the age and authority used to hold sway - that power is from the luck of the draw and in their generation there is no "power" to sieze and consolidate.

They'll have their own problems and my generations petty problems is just history.


Reflection is writing and processing thoughts and emotions. It looks at the past and organizing it into something healthier. 

Meditation is being PRESENT, but it also means allowing the Impulses to be allowed to go their way. to allow emotional baggage, bad habits, and bad thoughts to run their course instead of suppressed. 

Being Present is being aware of the Impulses, Habits, and uncomfortable parts of us to run its course and knowing the nuance of it is us and not us. That the change that is going to happen to a healthier set of habits, behavior, and thoughts needs us to process these negative emotions and habits of suppression. 

The Meditation of the Serene Buddha is for saints - the meditation to undo a lifetime of Catholic Guilt and Suppression is for the rest of us "sinners". 

We sadly "won" the lottery of being born in a culture of emotional suppression and excusing the outbursts and unkind expression of this suppression with Righteousness and Zero-Sum Power taking and controlling. Hopefully, our kids or grandkids won't have to have this really bad baggage. 

That they will grow up able to express emotions vulnerability - without someone coming in and making it about Weakness or Zero-Sum Power. That they can process what happened and adapt to the conditions - instead of believing they "sinners" "weak" "deserve" and all languages and thought that works in Zero-sum.