Feeling Smart

One of the addictions I had to give up was MGTA. 

One of the insights to my personality was I liked feeling smart. Like I won with a deck i built based on my understanding of the concepts and what I had on hand. 

Another insight is that I can lose 100x and accept my flaws while feel validated by winning once. 
That being able to play a BLue deck, which was the 'smarter persons' deck required more upfront thought was insightful but at the same time "Why would have have to know all the possible cards in all the other decks to be able to use a Deck?" 

The loading time allowed me to reflect a lot on my biases. 

Feeling smart even for a brief moment was such a big driver of my personality it made me wonder a lot about how I prep and plan and write. It reminded me about me and my brother reverse engineering how the other GMs and learning their techniques. that we tried and tested all the techiniques and methods we could get our hands on - preyoutube - era. 

I will always be attracted to the opportunity to prove I'm smart enough. Even if I've passed all other considerations. I cannot really overcome this bias and enjoy the fruits of the abilities it grants me. Of course, recognizing this bias allows me when it fails to serve its purpose: working smarter as to achive more of my other goals. 

I dont need to prove anymore, I'm willing to be considered dumber by society. I've grown up with this perception I will never be smart enough. There are many things I need to be for others and for myself. Being smart enough is something where I need to define: what is enough? Enough is to recognize my flaws and harm I cause when an opportunity or incident highlights, raise it to the surface of my attentions, and make time managing these.