Attention Repair. If I have that luxury.

 I want repair my attention. I stopped meditating - i realize I have bouts of lost time. Distraction where I can't tell what happened and what I did. Its like I did something that has no impact to my day - my brain wanting to "Not exist" in the here and now for moments. 

Its gotten worse over time. Because of Anki I'm able to measure it and it looks like degrading long term memory in my stats. It takes more effort to focus and think. It makes my pauses and mumblings in the recorded sessions to be much faster and quicker. 

It is affecting my relationships with my wife calling me callous and not loving them enough. 

I honestly want to quit the game, and close the computer. Its like I'm playing with a 4fps screens. Stuff is happening but I can't see it. I only get still frames, and I'm terribly lagging. 

I just want it to end. I love them, but I know when I'm dead - nothing will matter.  People will move on and I dont matter. what i do doesn't matter in the equation of things. 

last night I was saying I if I had the money - like a Billion USD - I'd take the time to repair my attention, get health checkups, correct some long - correctable ailments and get back to work. More importantly delegate some Adulting work so I can focus - and rebuild my attention: Meditating and being more efficient with my studies and exercise. 

I want to change my desk so I face the window and scan stretch my eyes so I can look in the distances while typing without looking. Being able to work while fixing my eyes that has gotten weaker and weaker. 

There were many tiny milestones - tiny milestone that make me realize how insignificant and fragile everything is. that I should consider quitting since I have very average and degrading stats.

My body can't do the exercise routine I do everyday. It gets harder and harder, and I feel more pained - like my muscles are not recovering. 

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